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Sam hasn't thought this through, he realises this as Dean looks at him over the kitchen table strewn with text books, books that look older than any Sam has ever seen, even in the Stanford Library. Hasn't thought through what to do now he's here, starting at his brother across a table in the kitchen of a house he has no memory but knows, like the back of his hand, like the lines of Dean face.
Sam rubs both hands over his face and through his hair.
“You ok?” Dean says, his voice scratchy from lack of use because there have been a lot of uncomfortable silences between them.
“Fine.” He replies, knowing he sounds short and angry but not being able to sugar coat his tone. Because he's pissed, worried, angry, confused. Not a good combination for Sam, because Sam has always prided himself on knowing where he was headed in life, and now he feels as if his life is spinning out of control, Dean at the centre point of it all. Even though that thought scares the crap out of Sam, he can't help but be thankful that Dean is at the centre of it all.
“Listen dude, I know you too well for you to lie to me. So, just say no and get on with it.” Dean snaps. They've been doing that a lot lately, snapping at each other, ignoring the imploring looks from Bobby, the shut the hell up or I am gonna knock your heads together, that keep coming from the older man.
“You know me?” Sam asks, sarcasm dripping over his voice and he feels bad for a second when Dean flinches slightly. His brow wrinkles for a second.
“Yeah, I know you. I know that look you get in your eyes, that look right now, that says you really wanna punch me. I know that you have a scar across your right shoulder blade, you probably don't know how you got it, but you got it saving my as from a Werewolf. I know that you bite your bottom lip when you're concentrating and that you take your coffee with cream and sugar and that you hate it when your hair gets in your eyes but that you have no intention of cutting it. So yeah, man, I do know you.” Dean looks back down at his book, look on intense, if false, concentration on his face.
“Sorry. I just...”
“I know. This has gotta suck out loud for you. I get it, I do.” Dean sighs and stands up slamming the book down on the table, making Sam jump. “But jeez Sam. I've got you back and now I feel that you're slipping away again. And...” Dean doesn't finish his sentence, but sighs loudly and storms out of the kitchen brushing angrily past Bobby who isn't so insensitive that he can't feel the anger that Dean leaves in his wake.
“Sam...” Bobby begins, his tone berating.
“Bobby, I don't need this right now ok?” Sam storms past Bobby and follows Dean.
Sam takes a deep breath, standing on the porch, the air filling up his lungs. It isn't just that he has no idea how to talk to Dean, had no idea who his brother is, it is the fact that when he sleeps, he dreams, still dreams of Dean, but the dreams are changing, changing into dreams that no brother should be having about the other and every time he looks at Dean he remembers them. Remembers feeling his brothers skin beneath his hands, remembers what he tastes like. And Sam is back to thinking he was going crazy.
But if he's logical, and Sam loves logic, he can understand where these thoughts are coming from. Sam has no memory of Dean, no actually memory. And Dean is a beautiful man, tortured, broken and beautiful. And even though Sam has never been attracted to men, he can see the attraction in Dean. Can see why women throw themselves at him, and he has seen it, after Bobby kicked them out after their last argument, telling them not to come back till they had sorted it out and Dean had grudgingly taken Sam to the local bar and proceeded to drink himself into oblivion and Sam had had to carry Dean home, Dean comfortingly heavy and warm next to him, and Sam had been sure that he had been nearly half hard by the time he had managed to wrestle his brother into bed. He had taken a long, cold shower and ignored the throbbing in his stomach at the memory of Dean mumbling his name as he had passed out.
Sam sighs again, he has been doing that a lot recently too, and walks towards the car yard, hoping to find Dean. Not knowing what to say, but wanting to be near him, because for some reason, every time Dean isn't around, Sam gets nervous.
He finds him, on the floor leaning against the Impala, elbows resting on knees pulled up to his chest, and his head resting in his hands.
“Dean.” He says as he slides down the car next to him, scooching closer than necessary, but nothing the Dean doesn't move away.
“Sammy.” He replies, with a voice that's quiet and full of anguish.
“Listen man, I'm sorry. I know this has got to be hard on you too. I mean, you remember me as your brother, but I don't remember you.”
“I remember you as more than my brother Sam.” Dean replied, lifting his head but still not looking at Sam.
Sam's heart reaches at that, not willing to believe Dean is talking about the same thing that Sam was thinking not a minute before.
“You were always more than my brother.” He says, still not elaborating, and Sam is desperate to know what he means. But he gets a sense that when Dean is talking, the best thing to do is shut up and listen, because Dean doesn't open up much.
“Dad put you in my arms, I was 4. And he told me to take care of you. And that's what I've always tried to do. Take care of your brother, he used to say whenever he left, take care of Sammy. As I got older I didn't even need to be told, it was part of who I am.”
Sam is shocked when he realises that there is a tear running down Dean's cheek and he places a hand on his shoulder and turns him slightly. Dean doesn't turn his face, still looks away.
“And if we can't find a way outta this, then I can't take care of you. If I go down into the pit, I am leaving you, and...” Dean trails of and sighs. Sam lifts his hand and brushes the tear away. He doesn't know what to say, what to say to make this better and it hurts him.
Dean turns his head again, turns away from Sam and Sam can't suppress the sigh that escapes his lips again.
“I know you too.” He says and Dean turns confused eyes towards him. Sam stares at him for a moment, lost in green and gold before Dean blinks and the spell is broken.
“I know you. I know you hate “chick flick moments”, I know you hate witches and you wont admit its because they sacrifice animals. I know that the scar on your leg is from taking on a ghoul by yourself when I wasn't there. I know that you have an unhealthy relationship with fast food and that sometimes it seems like you have a death wish.”
“You get all that from a dream?” Dean asks. Sam nods, once again spell bound by Dean's eyes and he doesn't realise that he is leaning closer until Dean's eyes widen slightly.
“Sammy.” Dean breathes, his voice barely above a whisper and Sam is caught, he can't pull back and Dean is making no move to pull back either so Sam keeps coming. And the journey between them feels like miles as they stare at each other and Sam knows this is wrong but can't help himself from pressing a kiss to his brothers lips.
Dean is caught between knowing that he should push Sam away, tell him to stop, that they're brothers, and wanting to pull him closer and feel the muscles he knows Sam has under his hands. And it feels so wrong and so right, at the same time that Dean feels like he's drowning, drowning in yes, no, Sam, no and more.
His head swims when Sam shifts and presses his lips slightly harder and Dean knows he should be doing something, anything other than just sitting on the floor, the Impala warm against his back, letting Sam do all the work. So with a massive show of mental strength, Dean places his hands on Sam chest, his fingers curling into the material with a mind of their own, and pushes his gently. Fear flashes across Sam's face.
“Sam.” Dean says, his voice trying to convey everything he is feeling but he knows he's failing.
Sam hauls himself off the floor and is gone before Dean can say anything else.
.
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But its gonna get better...I hope!
xx
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Poor Sam, stioll so confused and Dean, still trying to play the big brother, even though neither of them want him to.
Lovely hon, as always. :D
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THank you sweetness, so glad you are still liking it!
*hugs*
xx
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"And the journey between them feels like miles as they stare at each other and Sam knows this is wrong but can't help himself from pressing a kiss to his brothers lips."
Guh! And everything after is just... just... *flails*
And I love how Dean pushes him away, even though I totally hate the fact that Dean pushes him away. Aargh!
*rushes off to read your email for part 7*
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Oh poppet I am SO glad you liked it. Was a bit worried about this bit!
Well, you know Dean, he is always gonig to push him away to do what he thinks is "the right thing" to do.
*hugs you*
xx
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Too much yelling there? ;)
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*is loving you for being worried*
xx